Chasing the Wind

Chasing the wind. That's what I feel like I'm doing trying to figure Evelyn out. I don't even know anymore if we're treating the right thing. Why doesn't she like to eat? We don't really even know. How can she have a great week like last week and then within 2 days go completely backwards and be back to completely miserable and refusing to nurse? She is 10 days away from 10 months old and we are still dealing with this. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd still be where we are at this age. At 3 months everyone told us it gets better around 6 months. 6 months came and went and between 6-8 months things were at their worst. Then we were told by 9 months certainly things should be improving. We've passed 9 months and still things aren't any better. We've added more medicine this week and I have instructions to contact her GI doctor if it doesn't improve with this dose increase. Her doctor said we can do a scope to see if reflux is really what's going on or not if this medicine doesn't work. So we wait. And go crazy in the meantime. And do a lot of pumping. It's so tiring, I'm constantly stressed and worried. There is something instinctual about feeding your baby. It's just what we're supposed to do. As a mother it's one of the few things that we're supposed to be able to do that nobody else can do. And I can't. It leaves me feeling so broken. So helpless and frustrated. I feel like this can't go on forever but it is. When does it end? I think we're one of those lucky ones where it's a lifelong problem. One of the few that doesn't just grow out of it. And that scares me. 

Change

"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change."
I opened my FB page to see this quote on one of the Brocton Rocks pages. What a coincidence.
I opened a can of formula today. I offered my baby formula today. For the first time in 9 months she tasted formula. She was repulsed. She was disgusted. But I tried. And I will keep trying. I don't know how much longer I can go on trying to breastfeed a refuser. I just don't want to think about feeding a baby for one more minute. Changing to formula is not going to be a walk in the park either. I just feel stuck. Stuck breastfeeding a baby. Who would ever have thought someone would feel like this. A mother of 4 who nursed her last 2 babies until 2 years old. I never would have guessed this is how it would be. I am convinced there is something wrong with this baby. People don't take me seriously. People think I'm making the problem up. People do not know or realize how much time I put into feeding her. They don't understand how hard it is just to get her to eat. She had a dry diaper for 6 hours yesterday afternoon. And her overnight diaper was not that wet. Wet diapers don't lie. The scale doesn't lie. She's not gained anything again in a few weeks. Which is understandable with her being sick for 2 of those weeks. But she's not snapping out of it. There's still something going on. She latches on, pulls off, turns away, and cries. 9 months old and still refuses solids. Gags and chokes, acts scared to swallow. Something is not right. She's going back to the pediatrician today to have her ears checked again. She has been putting her fingers in her ears and rubbing them still, so I think she is still uncomfortable from them. I just don't understand how we could have 2 good days over the weekend and then go so downhill overnight again. Sat. and Sun. were awesome. Monday at her 5am feeding I knew something was wrong. She latched but wouldn't swallow. Turned away and cried. Then fell asleep without nursing. And it continued like that all day. Taking only tiny amounts. I am tired of fighting. Tired of pushing. I'm getting to the end of how much I can take. I just want to live a normal life with my kids and it's been everything but normal for 9 months now.
I'm at my lowest point and open to a great change. I just don't know how to make this change happen.

Lunch Time Sillies

Just some pictures from our lunch time silly gang. It's impossible to get a 'normal' picture of Ava! She always has to make a silly face. I got these food trays from a thrift store for a dollar a piece. We've been using them for lunch and the kids think they are fun.

 Don't let Evelyn fool you. She wasn't really eating, we just pretend she does. We try anyway.

Snakes

Every time Erik goes out to work in the yard he finds a snake for Blake. This is one of the biggest ones he's found. Blake played with it so much that the snake threw up a great big toad! It was so gross but Blake thought it was pretty cool!

Dancing in the Rain

My pastor's wife gave this plaque to me for my birthday. As soon as I read it I had tears streaming down my face. There is so much truth to this. You can't wait for the storm to pass to enjoy life. I'm trying. Some days I fail miserably and end up rolling in the mud puddle, other days I'm singing and dancing. But I'm always thankful for a new day with a fresh start to get up and dance again. I can't even tell you how much something as simple as this means to me. I look at it every day and just keep going. 

Never again

Note to self. One baby with GERD is enough to completely cure me of any future baby fever. I never knew how miserable it could be having a GERDling. God has given me a new level of compassion for anyone going through physical problems with a child. I thought we went through a lot with Blake, well this takes the cake. So much harder. Just needed a place to empty my brain for a few minutes.

Sprinkles and Shopping

Ava won the coloring contest at Wal-Mart  back in March. She won a whole Easter basket full of really yucky candy. Stuff that I just couldn't bring myself to let her have. She did have some of it, but there was a bunch of stuff that this semi-crunchy mama just couldn't do. So we made a bargain that she was thrilled about. I would take her out for ice cream. We went tonight to The Big Dipper and she got her cone with sprinkles. The sprinkles were a very important factor in this bargain! Then we went shopping. I really had a good time just spending time with just her. One thing is true- she talks a lot! I love this little girl!

Tadpoles

I took the kids for a walk a few weeks ago and we found a bunch of tadpoles in a puddle next to the road. They had so much fun watching them and of course wanted to bring some home with us. So I let them put a bunch in our water jug and we brought them home. Erik took the kids back to the mud puddle a few days later and got a bunch more. We filled 2 saucer sleds with some water, gravel, and clumps of sod and put the tadpoles in them. Several have died but most of them have lived. It has been fun watching them transform into little toads. 

Campfire

A friend of mine has encouraged me to get back into writing so I'm going to give it another go. Life has been so difficult the past 7 months! Evelyn. That's all I need to say!

Today was a good day! She actually ate several times throughout the day while awake, with minimal convincing! I'm still in shock. It's been almost 4 weeks of feeding refusal again and I think today was finally a turning point. She has been on her new medication (Lansoprazole) for 9 days now. I think it's starting to work! I was terrified to put her on it. TERRIFIED! But I have exhausted all alternative treatments and nothing else is working. We have tried: chiropractic care, muscle testing, Total Elimination Diets, homeopathics, probiotics, prebiotics, Mylanta, Zantac, I think we've tried it all. And my baby was still not eating unless she was asleep. Finally I broke down and went to the doctor and asked for a PPI. It sat in my fridge for a week before I couldn't handle life the way it was for one more minute. I had to give the scary PPI a try. We are on day 9 and I don't want to jinx us, but I think it's kicking in. She is eating!

Life for everyone has been on hold now for 4 weeks because of this feeding aversion. My life has been completely consumed by trying to feed her, pumping when she won't eat, and trying to bottle or dropper feed her. When I'm not trying to feed her I'm reading about what to do to help her. My other three kids, I feel so bad for them. They've been lost in the shuffle for too long. I just couldn't handle anymore and so they've been watching movie after movie for weeks now. Finally today I was able to spend quality time with them. Oh how I've missed them. I took them to the playground and played with them for well over an hour. They are so sweet! I'm so excited to have our life back. I hope and pray that this continues.

There is one lesson I'm really learning through this; take advantage of every day you have with your family. Don't assume you will have one more day to do that fun thing, or to make that memory with them. DO IT TODAY! I was not intentional about building memories and having fun with my children. Until the time came that I couldn't. I mean I absolutely could not spend time with them for 4 weeks in a row. I have missed my 3 other kids so much these past 4 weeks. I am determined to make it a point every day to have fun in some way with my kids. Laugh with them, sit and talk with them, play a game of Operation or Candy Land, take a walk, do whatever, do something. When something is taken away from you it really makes you realize how blessed you were and how easy it is to take things for granted.

Tonight we had a camp fire in the back yard. We have had s'more stuff sitting in the cupboard for over a week now just waiting for that perfect night to use them. The kids keep begging for a camp fire. We keep saying not tonight; it's too cold, it's too late, we're too tired, we have to get up early, it wasn't a good day, etc. Well, tonight we had a campfire! I don't care anymore if it's not the perfect scenario. We just need to do it! The kids had a blast. We spent an evening of quiet time just being with each other. Then they were off to bed by 9 pm. I put Evie down for bed and now it's my turn for some 'me time'.