Chasing the Wind

Chasing the wind. That's what I feel like I'm doing trying to figure Evelyn out. I don't even know anymore if we're treating the right thing. Why doesn't she like to eat? We don't really even know. How can she have a great week like last week and then within 2 days go completely backwards and be back to completely miserable and refusing to nurse? She is 10 days away from 10 months old and we are still dealing with this. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd still be where we are at this age. At 3 months everyone told us it gets better around 6 months. 6 months came and went and between 6-8 months things were at their worst. Then we were told by 9 months certainly things should be improving. We've passed 9 months and still things aren't any better. We've added more medicine this week and I have instructions to contact her GI doctor if it doesn't improve with this dose increase. Her doctor said we can do a scope to see if reflux is really what's going on or not if this medicine doesn't work. So we wait. And go crazy in the meantime. And do a lot of pumping. It's so tiring, I'm constantly stressed and worried. There is something instinctual about feeding your baby. It's just what we're supposed to do. As a mother it's one of the few things that we're supposed to be able to do that nobody else can do. And I can't. It leaves me feeling so broken. So helpless and frustrated. I feel like this can't go on forever but it is. When does it end? I think we're one of those lucky ones where it's a lifelong problem. One of the few that doesn't just grow out of it. And that scares me.