Change

"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change."
I opened my FB page to see this quote on one of the Brocton Rocks pages. What a coincidence.
I opened a can of formula today. I offered my baby formula today. For the first time in 9 months she tasted formula. She was repulsed. She was disgusted. But I tried. And I will keep trying. I don't know how much longer I can go on trying to breastfeed a refuser. I just don't want to think about feeding a baby for one more minute. Changing to formula is not going to be a walk in the park either. I just feel stuck. Stuck breastfeeding a baby. Who would ever have thought someone would feel like this. A mother of 4 who nursed her last 2 babies until 2 years old. I never would have guessed this is how it would be. I am convinced there is something wrong with this baby. People don't take me seriously. People think I'm making the problem up. People do not know or realize how much time I put into feeding her. They don't understand how hard it is just to get her to eat. She had a dry diaper for 6 hours yesterday afternoon. And her overnight diaper was not that wet. Wet diapers don't lie. The scale doesn't lie. She's not gained anything again in a few weeks. Which is understandable with her being sick for 2 of those weeks. But she's not snapping out of it. There's still something going on. She latches on, pulls off, turns away, and cries. 9 months old and still refuses solids. Gags and chokes, acts scared to swallow. Something is not right. She's going back to the pediatrician today to have her ears checked again. She has been putting her fingers in her ears and rubbing them still, so I think she is still uncomfortable from them. I just don't understand how we could have 2 good days over the weekend and then go so downhill overnight again. Sat. and Sun. were awesome. Monday at her 5am feeding I knew something was wrong. She latched but wouldn't swallow. Turned away and cried. Then fell asleep without nursing. And it continued like that all day. Taking only tiny amounts. I am tired of fighting. Tired of pushing. I'm getting to the end of how much I can take. I just want to live a normal life with my kids and it's been everything but normal for 9 months now.
I'm at my lowest point and open to a great change. I just don't know how to make this change happen.