Chasing the Wind

Chasing the wind. That's what I feel like I'm doing trying to figure Evelyn out. I don't even know anymore if we're treating the right thing. Why doesn't she like to eat? We don't really even know. How can she have a great week like last week and then within 2 days go completely backwards and be back to completely miserable and refusing to nurse? She is 10 days away from 10 months old and we are still dealing with this. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd still be where we are at this age. At 3 months everyone told us it gets better around 6 months. 6 months came and went and between 6-8 months things were at their worst. Then we were told by 9 months certainly things should be improving. We've passed 9 months and still things aren't any better. We've added more medicine this week and I have instructions to contact her GI doctor if it doesn't improve with this dose increase. Her doctor said we can do a scope to see if reflux is really what's going on or not if this medicine doesn't work. So we wait. And go crazy in the meantime. And do a lot of pumping. It's so tiring, I'm constantly stressed and worried. There is something instinctual about feeding your baby. It's just what we're supposed to do. As a mother it's one of the few things that we're supposed to be able to do that nobody else can do. And I can't. It leaves me feeling so broken. So helpless and frustrated. I feel like this can't go on forever but it is. When does it end? I think we're one of those lucky ones where it's a lifelong problem. One of the few that doesn't just grow out of it. And that scares me. 

Change

"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change."
I opened my FB page to see this quote on one of the Brocton Rocks pages. What a coincidence.
I opened a can of formula today. I offered my baby formula today. For the first time in 9 months she tasted formula. She was repulsed. She was disgusted. But I tried. And I will keep trying. I don't know how much longer I can go on trying to breastfeed a refuser. I just don't want to think about feeding a baby for one more minute. Changing to formula is not going to be a walk in the park either. I just feel stuck. Stuck breastfeeding a baby. Who would ever have thought someone would feel like this. A mother of 4 who nursed her last 2 babies until 2 years old. I never would have guessed this is how it would be. I am convinced there is something wrong with this baby. People don't take me seriously. People think I'm making the problem up. People do not know or realize how much time I put into feeding her. They don't understand how hard it is just to get her to eat. She had a dry diaper for 6 hours yesterday afternoon. And her overnight diaper was not that wet. Wet diapers don't lie. The scale doesn't lie. She's not gained anything again in a few weeks. Which is understandable with her being sick for 2 of those weeks. But she's not snapping out of it. There's still something going on. She latches on, pulls off, turns away, and cries. 9 months old and still refuses solids. Gags and chokes, acts scared to swallow. Something is not right. She's going back to the pediatrician today to have her ears checked again. She has been putting her fingers in her ears and rubbing them still, so I think she is still uncomfortable from them. I just don't understand how we could have 2 good days over the weekend and then go so downhill overnight again. Sat. and Sun. were awesome. Monday at her 5am feeding I knew something was wrong. She latched but wouldn't swallow. Turned away and cried. Then fell asleep without nursing. And it continued like that all day. Taking only tiny amounts. I am tired of fighting. Tired of pushing. I'm getting to the end of how much I can take. I just want to live a normal life with my kids and it's been everything but normal for 9 months now.
I'm at my lowest point and open to a great change. I just don't know how to make this change happen.

Lunch Time Sillies

Just some pictures from our lunch time silly gang. It's impossible to get a 'normal' picture of Ava! She always has to make a silly face. I got these food trays from a thrift store for a dollar a piece. We've been using them for lunch and the kids think they are fun.

 Don't let Evelyn fool you. She wasn't really eating, we just pretend she does. We try anyway.

Snakes

Every time Erik goes out to work in the yard he finds a snake for Blake. This is one of the biggest ones he's found. Blake played with it so much that the snake threw up a great big toad! It was so gross but Blake thought it was pretty cool!

Dancing in the Rain

My pastor's wife gave this plaque to me for my birthday. As soon as I read it I had tears streaming down my face. There is so much truth to this. You can't wait for the storm to pass to enjoy life. I'm trying. Some days I fail miserably and end up rolling in the mud puddle, other days I'm singing and dancing. But I'm always thankful for a new day with a fresh start to get up and dance again. I can't even tell you how much something as simple as this means to me. I look at it every day and just keep going. 

Never again

Note to self. One baby with GERD is enough to completely cure me of any future baby fever. I never knew how miserable it could be having a GERDling. God has given me a new level of compassion for anyone going through physical problems with a child. I thought we went through a lot with Blake, well this takes the cake. So much harder. Just needed a place to empty my brain for a few minutes.

Sprinkles and Shopping

Ava won the coloring contest at Wal-Mart  back in March. She won a whole Easter basket full of really yucky candy. Stuff that I just couldn't bring myself to let her have. She did have some of it, but there was a bunch of stuff that this semi-crunchy mama just couldn't do. So we made a bargain that she was thrilled about. I would take her out for ice cream. We went tonight to The Big Dipper and she got her cone with sprinkles. The sprinkles were a very important factor in this bargain! Then we went shopping. I really had a good time just spending time with just her. One thing is true- she talks a lot! I love this little girl!

Tadpoles

I took the kids for a walk a few weeks ago and we found a bunch of tadpoles in a puddle next to the road. They had so much fun watching them and of course wanted to bring some home with us. So I let them put a bunch in our water jug and we brought them home. Erik took the kids back to the mud puddle a few days later and got a bunch more. We filled 2 saucer sleds with some water, gravel, and clumps of sod and put the tadpoles in them. Several have died but most of them have lived. It has been fun watching them transform into little toads. 

Campfire

A friend of mine has encouraged me to get back into writing so I'm going to give it another go. Life has been so difficult the past 7 months! Evelyn. That's all I need to say!

Today was a good day! She actually ate several times throughout the day while awake, with minimal convincing! I'm still in shock. It's been almost 4 weeks of feeding refusal again and I think today was finally a turning point. She has been on her new medication (Lansoprazole) for 9 days now. I think it's starting to work! I was terrified to put her on it. TERRIFIED! But I have exhausted all alternative treatments and nothing else is working. We have tried: chiropractic care, muscle testing, Total Elimination Diets, homeopathics, probiotics, prebiotics, Mylanta, Zantac, I think we've tried it all. And my baby was still not eating unless she was asleep. Finally I broke down and went to the doctor and asked for a PPI. It sat in my fridge for a week before I couldn't handle life the way it was for one more minute. I had to give the scary PPI a try. We are on day 9 and I don't want to jinx us, but I think it's kicking in. She is eating!

Life for everyone has been on hold now for 4 weeks because of this feeding aversion. My life has been completely consumed by trying to feed her, pumping when she won't eat, and trying to bottle or dropper feed her. When I'm not trying to feed her I'm reading about what to do to help her. My other three kids, I feel so bad for them. They've been lost in the shuffle for too long. I just couldn't handle anymore and so they've been watching movie after movie for weeks now. Finally today I was able to spend quality time with them. Oh how I've missed them. I took them to the playground and played with them for well over an hour. They are so sweet! I'm so excited to have our life back. I hope and pray that this continues.

There is one lesson I'm really learning through this; take advantage of every day you have with your family. Don't assume you will have one more day to do that fun thing, or to make that memory with them. DO IT TODAY! I was not intentional about building memories and having fun with my children. Until the time came that I couldn't. I mean I absolutely could not spend time with them for 4 weeks in a row. I have missed my 3 other kids so much these past 4 weeks. I am determined to make it a point every day to have fun in some way with my kids. Laugh with them, sit and talk with them, play a game of Operation or Candy Land, take a walk, do whatever, do something. When something is taken away from you it really makes you realize how blessed you were and how easy it is to take things for granted.

Tonight we had a camp fire in the back yard. We have had s'more stuff sitting in the cupboard for over a week now just waiting for that perfect night to use them. The kids keep begging for a camp fire. We keep saying not tonight; it's too cold, it's too late, we're too tired, we have to get up early, it wasn't a good day, etc. Well, tonight we had a campfire! I don't care anymore if it's not the perfect scenario. We just need to do it! The kids had a blast. We spent an evening of quiet time just being with each other. Then they were off to bed by 9 pm. I put Evie down for bed and now it's my turn for some 'me time'. 

Closing a Chapter

Blake had his last appointment with his urologist, Dr. Hollowell, this spring. This was in April and when we were there she told us that she was retiring in May. I'm so grateful for having such a great doctor. After interviewing a few different doctors in NYC we knew that Dr. Hollowell was the doctor for Blake. I'm so glad that she was in Albany and not NYC, the train rides and subways would not have been where I wanted to be going all the time for his appointments. And I cannot even imagine having to deal with all of that 3 days after a major surgery with a 13 month old. The poor little guy was so miserable I can't imagine. And then because he did so poorly getting back on track after the surgery he had to be readmitted after we were home for a day. He couldn't keep anything down and refused to eat and fluids were critical for proper healing of his bladder. Two years after surgery he has not had a single problem and has been given a good report for his last follow-up visit. His left kidney will never heal from the damage but we are thankful that there was no damage to his right kidney. He should be monitored throughout life for blood pressure problems but other than that he should not be affected from this almost dead kidney. It was a long first 15 months with this little guy. I'm glad that chapter of life is over. Here are a few pictures from his journey. 

Ss Sun and Mm Moon

  I want to try to blog about some of our school projects. I don't plan on going crazy with blogging about every day or every detail but I do want to keep it more updated than I have been. When I first started my blog I had mentioned that one of the main reasons in doing so was to be able to print it at the end of the year in book form instead of trying to keep up with my scrap booking that I used to do. So here's the first of my school posts. Enjoy! :)
  Hailey was 5 in April and we are doing the My Father's World Kindergarten. Blake is 3 and is following along with us when he feels like it. So far it's going along great and we're all loving it. I bought Math-U-See and planned to do that also but so far it is still sitting on the shelf untouched. By the time we get through MFW we've all pretty much had enough by the end of the day. I hope to get started with it in the near future though. It's been very busy around here with still getting settled from our latest move in July and then with the food preserving season in full swing. Things have started to slow down just in the past week and I'm getting back into the swing of things. 
  Our first two weeks of school were two units on creation. The next 6 days (MFW does 6 days/unit, not a week at a time) we studied Ss Sun. This unit is Mm Moon. Yesterday we spent the afternoon at the library looking for any book we could find that had anything to do with the moon. Today we read about the moon and tomorrow we will do some moon projects. 
  For lunch today I made suns with a clementine and carrot sticks. I didn't get to it for the last unit but today I just happened to have what I needed for it. (And we painted faces today. She had a butterfly on one cheek but then she got crazy with it and scribbled all over) 

    As the unit moves along I will try to add more pictures of some of our projects. And of course school wouldn't be complete without a visit from 'Derek (turned army style) and Odette'...

                                         We finally got the MUS out and she loved it!

                         The electric was out for most of the day so she wanted her flashlight.

             Of course she had to do a silly face picture. 

First she practiced her letters in the moon dust.

Then we added water and black finger paint to form moon rocks.

They squirted vinegar on their moon rocks to watch them erupt.

     

The phases of the moon with Oreos. 

Selfie

I'm not one for selfies, but this is one I don't mind sharing because my kids are the star of it, not me. I'm really trying to work on being more fun, taking the time to be goofy, taking the time to live a little. I've made some changes in our home and we're all receiving the benefits of them. More about that in another post to come. But for now, I'm enjoying my littles. :) 

Play-Doh

This is what happens when you leave 2 unsupervised children play with play-doh. I knew they were playing with it but I had no idea they had every color open! I was busy making dinner and turned around a little while later to find this. I about cried when I saw the mess. I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that they were having fun. So after dinner we worked on cleaning it up together and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. 

 

It was just one of those days where the house was already a mess and I was frustrated. Erik worked a double and I knew it was going to be a long evening of dinner, cleaning up, and bedtime by myself. But they were having fun, playing well together, and being creative. What more could I ask for?! I love these kiddos! 

Try Again

I've been away for quite a while. Time to get back into the groove. I feel like we're finding our new normal after our move and we're settling in, finally!
  I feel like this post is going to be just a bunch of rambling, there's been so much on my mind lately. The kids are doing great, growing up and getting bigger day by day. Hailey is maturing so much, every day she surprises me in some way, reminding me that she's not my little toddler anymore. She is four, almost five. How has it been that long? It makes me sad, but also happy to see her thriving and learning. She has her first two loose teeth and she is excited, because, of course, that means she's growing up. She's becoming my little helper in the kitchen. She peels vegetables for me, she puts dishes away, she loads the dishwasher, and she's starting to get the hang of using the broom to sweep the floors. She's such a sweetheart and just loves to please.
  Blake is still my little man but has become more of a daddy's boy lately. He was three years on Valentine's Day. I miss the way I used to be the center of his universe but I'm so happy that Daddy means so much to him. I feel that it's important for him to have his daddy time, to 'help' him fix the car, to wrestle with, to play cowboys and Indians with; cops and robbers. All the things that I don't necessarily love to do, he gets to do them with Daddy. Of course, Hailey is usually tagging along too while I'm keeping Ava out of the way. And he doesn't go anywhere without his big gun and green hat. Green is his favorite color and he makes sure that everyone knows that! 

  Next we have Ava. She's growing up way too fast! She has 6 teeth, she can wave and say bye-bye, she crawls, she pulls up to stand and she walks next to things, she climbs the stairs, and she's not sleeping through the night, haha! But she's my joy. Every time I look at her I can't help but think of how we almost did not get to experience all of these firsts with her. My mind goes back to the day of her birth and I ask myself how did I get so lucky to have a baby that survived that with no long term complications. In all of my reading and studying about what happened at her birth I have read so many, many stories of parents that were not so lucky. Parents who have empty arms after going through what we went through. I have learned so much through this and God has really used it to teach me some major lessons in life. I know for a fact that He held her in His hands those first two days of life. I look back and remember what happened and think of all of the things that could have happened, that were so close to happening, that did not. God's grace is the only thing my mind can come up with! She's our little Jewel. Ava Jewel.
  Next is Mommy and Daddy. Mommy is just busy with the normal things a stay at home mom finds to occupy her time. Meals, laundry, reading and singing with the kids, crafts, cleaning, shopping (grocery shopping only because any other type of shopping with three little ones in tow is just not fun!), and that pretty much sums it up. My newest adventure is experimenting with fermented foods. I am so excited to finally be doing this. It is something I've wanted to try for years now but just have not taken the plunge and just done it. Well, I did milk kefir for a while last fall and that was a success until we moved. My grains died during the move and I haven't gotten any more yet, but I did just order some so I'm super excited about that! But in the last few weeks I've made Kombucha and cultured sourkraut. Here's the link for the one I made, it was so easy! http://www.culturedfoodlife.com/sauerkraut-without-a-culture/
It doesn't taste quite like the store bought fermented foods but I guess it will just take a little bit of playing around with it to get it the way I want.
  On top of the fermented foods adventure, I've been working on my plans for Hailey's first year of school that is sneaking up on me faster than I would like! There is so much out there that it all gets to be too much and I need to take a break. What style, what curriculum, etc... I think I have it narrowed down and am getting excited about getting to work on it with her. Another thing that has been eating away at me mentally and emotionally is Ava's birth and all that happened the way I did not plan it. It's hard to go from home birth to NICU. Harder than I had ever imagined. And on top of it to have midwives that seemed to have swept us under the rug to protect their reputation. I like to give them the benefit of the doubt, and I have been for almost 9 months, but it's starting to wear off. I'm really wondering what's up with them. This is all too much for this post though, I will have to address this in another post. There are too many details, too many things that just don't add up. Too much junk to hash it all out here right now, and honestly, I do not have the energy to do that right now.
  Last but not least is Daddy. He's been working so hard. We have accumulated some bills over the past few years that we just had not been able to catch up with and so he's been working overtime and two jobs to be debt free. I feel so bad about it because part of that debt was from me. Our home birth cost us out of pocket money and he was so gracious and willing to give me my dream anyway. He's so sweet, he just wanted me to have the experience that I dreamed of, a home birth. Moving on....But when he's home we all cherish the times we spend together. He plays with the kids and helps me so much, I feel lost without him here. We just spent 5 days together visiting our Hudson Valley friends and it was so refreshing. But now back to the daily grind. I love him so much, he's my everything!
  I suppose I should sign off now. Daddy will be home soon and the kitchen is still a mess. I put the kids to bed and came right to the computer to get started on this post. I've missed my blogging and am happy to be back at it again. I don't know why I stayed away for so long. At the end of the day it feels so good to sit down and write. I don't write because I plan on people reading it, I actually get scared at the thought of people reading this, ha! but I write because I want the memories of our every day life written down, to look back on and share with the kids when they are older. Something for me and Erik to sit down and read when we're old and gray, sitting on the front porch in our rockers, to remember our sweet times as a young family. So this is it, ramblings and musings of our everyday life. And hopefully many more to follow.
    

My God Is So Big

I just had to write this down before I forget it. I was sitting in the living room with the kids, we were all folding towels and washcloths together singing My God Is So Big. We were discussing things that God can and does give to us, things that He can do, etc. Blake says, "Can he give us big guns for to shoot?" Yes, Blake. God can even provide big guns for us. This kid is too cute.

Finally Back!

I'm back! After an 8 hour move and three weeks of no internet access I have a lot of catching up to do. I can't wait to get busy again!

Saturday

  We were able to spend Saturday afternoon with a very special family. We have known Keith and Bianca since before either of our families had any children. We met at our birth classes and have kept in touch since. I can't believe that was 5 years ago now! Both me and Bianca were pregnant with our first and she was on bed rest, so we met at her house every Saturday morning for the last 12 weeks of my pregnancy. It was such an exciting time. I'm so glad that we have remained friends. Since then there have been 3 more babies between our two families. It is so nice to have a friend who is going through a lot of the same things at the same time as me. I know she 'gets it' when I talk about all the struggles parenting brings! I am going to miss our play dates and meetups, but I have to keep reminding myself, this is not goodbye, it's see you later. I have been a mess the last few days, I just never thought leaving here could or ever would be so hard. I already look forward to our visits!  

The Countdown Begins: Friday

It was nearly impossible to get a good picture of them all at once. But here's the gang. We had such a great time bowling with our friends tonight. This is our last Friday here, we couldn't have spent it in a better way or with better people. After bowling we went back to our church for pizza. The kids played while the adults enjoyed some heartfelt conversation. It was an emotional time sharing thoughts and memories. We look forward to many more memories made with this family even though we will be 7 hours apart from each other.

                                 

Home

This is getting so very real. I remember when we first moved here how we couldn't wait to move "back home". It's amazing how time changes things. Now as I sit here looking at all of these packed boxes my eyes well up with tears just knowing that the days of living where I now call home are almost of the past. Somewhere over the past 6 years, THIS has become home. "Back home" is no longer home, THIS is home.
This is where we have so many memories.
This is where we have some of the best friends we could ask for.
This is where so many things have happened that have shaped our family into what it is.
This is where we learned to be each others everything.
This is where we learned that life is not about money or how much stuff you have. It's not about being comfortable but about being where God puts you and wants you and being happy with that.
This is where we became a family of three, and then four, and now five.
This is where Erik has become the man of God that he is.
This is where I found salvation, and the peace that comes with that!
This is where we have watched our children go through medical problems and experienced answered prayers in every one of those situations:
        Accidents that involved a helicopter flight to Children's Hospital
        Unknown sky-high fevers leading to a diagnosis of a serious bladder/kidney abnormality in our 6 month old
       Hospitalizations
       A six hour surgery with our 13 month old little boy
       A very scary birth with our last child. For 4 minutes of our life we didn't know if we were planning a funeral or celebrating a birth.
      Waiting to hear if our child was going to live a normal life after the birth she experienced or if she was going to have lifelong handicaps. 

This is where we have seen God provide and work in amazing ways.
This is where we found a church and a pastor unlike any we've ever met before. 

This is where we have picked apples together every fall.
This is where we have gone hiking and biking, just enjoying the beauty of God's creation.

Looking back over the years I am so thankful for the time we have had to have lived here. I am not sure where our family would be had we not moved here when we did. All I can say is God has been so good. God has worked in amazing ways in both mine and Erik's life. I know some people do not and will not understand why it is so hard for us to leave our home. But these are just a few of the reasons. It is such an emotional roller coaster. I dearly love our family, but I dearly love my home and friends here too. Part of my wants to go, part of me wants to stay. Some days I feel like packing, some days I want to hide the boxes and bring back all of the furniture we have sold in order to make our move easier. I know that in time we will adjust, but it's that adjustment period that is going to be so hard. It's a huge change in our lives and I'm not sure I handle change well. This means a new job for Erik, a new church, a new neighborhood, a new climate, a new house. I will have to find a new circle of friends and a new support group for all of my mommy concerns. A new doctor, a new health food store, a new nutritionist, a new chiropractor. So many new things. When all of the new things look too hard to handle I think of the few that will be a welcome change and I start to feel like ok, I can do this. The welcome changes are family close by when I need help with the kids or when we want to go on a date. Family close by to get together for canning and preserving foods. Fun family birthday parties! My kids have never had a family birthday party, except for last year my mom just happened to be here for Blake's birthday. Holidays with grandma and grandpa! Field trips with cousins. Going for a tractor ride with their Uncle Ben. Learning about life with animals. Support for home schooling. And so much more! These are the things that I have to focus on when the hard times seem too hard to handle. When the emotions of leaving our home and church are so hard to get past, these are the things I have to remember. But for now we wait. We wait for a phone call that just 5 years ago we would have answered with the most enthusiasm.  

...and babies don’t keep.

"Babies Don’t Keep"

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

 Author: Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

This poem came to mind today as I was nursing sweet baby Ava down for her nap. Blake was already sleeping and Hailey was sitting on her bed looking at books for her quiet time. The list of chores that needed to be done today kept running through my mind and I found myself wishing that she would just hurry up and go to sleep. Then like lightening from Heaven this poem came to me. I put the checklist of chores out of my head and let her sleep for another few minutes in my arms before putting her in her crib. And then I was so glad that we did this today also....

As we were getting ready to leave for the playground I told Erik that I couldn't believe I was leaving such a mess behind. I don't usually do that and I'm very proud of myself for doing that today, for just letting it go and enjoying playtime with my kids. The dishes hadn't been washed from breakfast, there were boxes all over the house, halfway packed and ones still waiting to be packed, the kitchen needed to be mopped, and so many other things that I can't even remember right now, but I left it all behind to make memories today instead. And that is a huge accomplishment for me! After the bad day I had yesterday, as I was putting the kids in bed I promised them that I would take them to the playground as long as it wasn't raining when they woke up. I'm going to do that more often, I'm going to start telling them what I plan to do with them because they don't forget and then I will be accountable to make sure that I do. You see, I have this problem with feeling like I can't have fun before everything in the house is in tiptop shape, and as that never happens I never seem to have any fun with my children. And THAT is going to change. Too much time is passing me by while I worry about how clean my house is, too many memories are waiting to be made for some day when I get everything else done, and I'm done with that way of thinking. So here is my vow to have fun. This is where I leave the dishes and mopping and replace them with memories and giggles because....                                                                                           The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow

                                But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
                                      So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep                                                                 I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.